The local bobby c**t next door has fled the gated community, your sky is falling!.

Arsenal V Palace

Who would have thought it Tony Pulis, falling out with a chairman, an agreeable chap like that. Tony, the bastion of total football that he is, left his club, in the shit when, just two days before the kick off the season he done one. Early bird rumour mills are saying that he was the manager of the entire club and not just the coach, therefore, everyone within a six mile radius of his football club had to do exactly what the f**k he wanted. They didn’t, so he got in a right fu**in’ huff and pissed off.

Good, he’s a dreadful human being, the kind that latches onto an almost dead animal, revives it ever so slightly when people have started to walk away in tears thinking the poor animal is a goner and then… MESSIAH PULIS, HE’S SAVED A DEAD ANIMAL. REJOICE REJOICE!

This is what the baseball cap wearing, shouty, nasty bastard does. He kept a shit footballing team called Stoke in the Premier league, so he must be a God, they said. Forgetting that the football club in question had already, a proud past. But Tony scared everyone into thinking that a club like Stoke cannot progress any further, without his guidance, they would simply fall and die. He had that rather desperate and extremely depressing part of Britain believing him for years. Then they turned around and said NO MORE, THIS IS DIRE, DREADFUL FOOTBALL. Tony was proper pissed off, muttering “Just you wait you stupid c**ts, just you fuc**ng wait”. Well we are still waiting. Although Stoke certainly have not turned into Ajax overnight, their football has improved and guess what, they are still alive.

Palace brought in the man known to the rest of the footballing world as the c**t, and he did what it says on the man’s tin. He kept them up, not only that, they look dead and buried before he arrived. His miracle working had continued. Now the good people of that rather desperate and extremely depressing part of south east London believe they are doomed without him. They must remember, he was there to keep you in the premier league, he is very good at that. If he had stayed much longer, mass suicides would have started to occur all over sunny Norwood.

What kind of fan base believes that a bloke who resembles the loud, gold chain wearing, overly opinionated at bbqs, ever so slightly UKIP copper that lives next door to you in a gated community is the answer to your dreams anyway. South London, no ambition!

So First game of the season was a derby. Palace looked relaxed for much of the first half and took the lead through Hangeleand. Who, let’s face it should now be in his third season for us. The usual happened, media bullshit panic. Talk Sport co commentator, Ray Wilkins (still alive and oh, still talking a lot of shit too) was banging on about the stadium for a bit, then he went on about Wilshire being Liam Brady. But then Wilshire went down softly for a foul and Brady would never had done that, so now Wilshire was just Jack Wilshire again, poor love. Palace look good blah, blah, blah, blah.

And the rest of the crap that came out of his gob was mainly patronising waffle against Palace, really. They are a premier league team, meaning they are one of twenty of the top teams in England playing against another one, they may, God forbid, score a goal. Seriously, Wilkins is a twa*t, a man who has played the amount of football for the amount of clubs that he has, should be able to talk with a little bit of know how about the beautiful game? Anyway, Koscielny sored in the 46th minute and Ramsey scored in 91st minute. We won, bosh. Lucky? Probably. Who fuckin’ cares. First game of the season, London derby, three points, end of.


Shower shit, zinger and pissy pants.

Handy Dave got nicked on the Arsenal stadium tour. I’m on my way to visit him at Pentonville. Handy is a mate, but not one I like. The man is an utter liability. This time, as it turns out, Handy turned up pissed to his AA meeting, was ejected, after a scuffle, which, if the report is correct, saw Handy force feed a can of Super Tennants down the throat of a newcomer, whilst screaming,”Surrender to the might of the lord’s piss”.

As Handy was in the Arsenal stadium vicinity he demanded at the ticket office that he wanted to watch ‘tonight’s game’, the rather confused and doubtless brassy looking thicko behind the bullet proof perspex, informed him that there was no game on, but he could take a tour of the stadium for around twenty quid.

Handy, very excited about this, paid up in full. He popped over to the Holloway Road KFC and made his way back into the ground. When handy was asked to stop shitting in the showers of the players changing rooms, he screamed, “What am I supposed to do, It’s gone straight through me, yer c**t” at a security guard, shaking his family bucket. Another scuffle, but this time with Handy’s cock flopping about and runny shit squits falling from his dinner dumper. Handy shat all the way to the exit and then turned on the security guard and rubbed his zinger burger in the poor bloke’s eyes. Needless to say, said security guard will never see again.

I just hope the charges are dropped, well reduced anyway, what with the first game of the season coming up this weekend against Crystal Palace. 

There are times after a long night or day out with Handy that I have looked long and hard into the mirror and asked myself, “Do I need this in my life?” The answer would seem an obvious and resounding NO, but Handy has sorted me out tickets time and time again. I am also Godfather to all nine of his kids, an honour forced upon me by him whilst he was wielding a kitchen knife, dressed in only his piss stained briefs with Michael Thomas on the front of them and the immortal Brian Moore commentary “It’s up for grabs now!” across he cock area.

The Charity Community Super Duper Cup

Seems one of my first predictions for the forthcoming season was totally wrong. Arteta to barely make the starting eleven?  The Spanish midfielder with Lego hair, has been made full blown club captain.

If we needed a pointer of how we were going to perform against the big clubs this season,  we could do worse than look at the Community Shield result against the blue half  of Mancunia.

I doubt any of us Gooners saw a comprehensive 3-0 win on the cards. After the thrashing of FC Curly Watts, the Mancs were bleating on the radio phone ins,  that the English Super Cup was a total irrelevance and that it would be the only silverware that Arsenal would win this season.

That to me sounds like a gang of pikeys who live on frozen food from Iceland and Mayfair super kings, spitting fizzy pop and toffee infused phlegm into the street whilst driving in the middle of the road causing traffic jam chaos due to the low speed of their mobility scooters, who’s fortunes suddenly turn around due to a lotto win, only for the community to take away their new found wealth and invest it in a horse sanctuary.

All three goals were great, Santi and Rambo’s finishes were well taken, but Giroud’s was just fu**ing nutty as all f**k. Giroud has had a bit of  a shitty sticky pointed in his general direction recently.  I don’t really understand why. The poor bastard must be knackered after playing so many games last season and under the huge responsibility that was bestowed upon him regarding getting the Gooner’s goals he did as well as a not quite first rate striker could under the circumstances.

Citeh fans were also claiming that the team that Arsenal pulverised,  was not their first choice eleven.

Well it was the first choice eleven, because the eleven c**ts your manager picked were the first eleven on that day. What a stupid thing to say.

We can only beat what’s put in front of us, so we did, now go bollocks you Styrofoam cup tea swilling  shit machines, back to your silly prefabs and rain with you. Besides if you want to go down that road we didn’t play our German world cup winners.

The lad Chambers had a blinder, he looks like a major signing and Sanchez’s physicality and work rate was a major plus to complement his skill on the ball.

Predictions anyone? Champions? Mmm, more chance of me eating out Allan Sugar’s Dinner Dumper  or Handy Dave knocking one out over a signed portrait of Justin Edinburgh.

I would take the FA cup again in a heart beat and an earthquake in N17 to boot.



The Skipper Debate

“He should do one or be done”, sneered Handy Dave about or club captain. Well it’s an odd one isn’t it?

It’s pretty safe to say that Thomas Vermaelen hasn’t had the glittering Arsenal career that he and the club thought he would have. The nimble centre back has been hampered by injury and due to this a lack of consistent playing time, which in turn brought about a lack of match fitness and sharpness and then a lack of confidence it seemed, especially when looking at some of the diabolical decisions he made on the pitch.

On the outside, he looked like perfect club captain material; diplomatic, good communicator, talented and not a complete ugly c**t to boot. But what a strange player he is a centre back in a full back’s meat sack. Calm on the ball (well he was), great passer, he had a bit of the old libero type vibe going on. But I am sure that Vermaelen had no idea that in his absence an upstart from Ligue deux and a German giant, who (let’s be frank about this), looked like a gargantuan waste of food and cash when he arrived, would form such a great partnership in the heart of the Arsenal back four. We fans certainly didn’t and the club management can pretend all they want that they had planned it all this way, but they didn’t have a fuc**ng scooby either, it has been a happy accident. An un-cum filled happy finish, if you will.  It must have smarted for the Belgian too, seeing Laurent Koscielny and Per Mertesacker form such a great friendship, albeit seemingly forced upon Koscielny by his German teammate; who could forget them choosing to hold the FA Cup aloft in glorious unison instead of individually after that victorious final at Wembley last season, ending our trophy drought.

So where will he go? Being offered a one year contract extension seemed like a club going through the motions, as did Vermaelen turning it down. Man Utd and Barca seem like the most likely suitors. It still baffles me, even after a pony year, that players would consider moving to Salford and the rain. Barca I can understand, although I loathe the bastards. “More than a Club” goes their rather bullshit motto. Barca are different, yes, but not in the way they pretend to the unsuspecting prole to be. An institution that has used pseudo-partisan tendencies to rile it’s supporters into a frenzied tribalism, pretending they are revolutionary against the ‘bad guys’ royalists of Real Madrid, also saying they would only spoil their sacred colours to help (the Unicef shirt sponsorship), knowing full well that this was paving the way for a huge shirt sponsorship deal with the Qatar Foundation. The Qatar Foundation is a  ‘non profit organisation’, which says its priorities are ‘education projects in the Middle East’, so it reckons. “Sounds like a few rich blokes’ tax right off” says Handy Dave, but nobody listens to him and they shouldn’t either, he’s pissed by 9.30 am after the school run. Barca are like Apple. Their public persona is one of being an alternative to the more conservative norm, but strip back the image, it’s all fancy dress, they are just another money making machine.

But, what it comes down to, is where will the lad get a game? He would work well for both and the chap clearly needs a fresh start and we need a fresh head and set of legs for back up. That back up looks like it could turn out to be another nimble, injury prone centre back called, Daniel Agger of the Victims Club aka Liverpool FC. Like for like and a tiny bit of a waste of time? Yes, but it is a necessary one.

When all is done and dusted, we will need a new club captain. Will it be Arteta, our current vice captain or Mertesacker, Arteta’s understudy? Or maybe, it should be someone new, for a completely fresh start. But who?

Mertesacker –  makes sense, he is a natural leader, understands the fans, plays at centre back (the old school place to have a club captain). But It would be a little strange for me. In my opinion, Koscielny is a far better player and having Mertesacker as the team leader when the guy who plays next to him is better is quite odd. There is something for giving the armband to the natural leader, but being skipper when you are the lesser half of a defensive partnership is an oddity. You wouldn’t have given “Billy” Costacurta the armband at Milan whilst he played alongside Baresi, would you? If you would, you’re a shit eating shit eater!

Arteta? Don’t be stupid. I don’t see the Spaniard starting too much next season if another midfielder is signed. And we badly need a new defensive midfielder. Arteta has done a steady job for us, but he is no champions league level midfielder and may not even last the summer. 

So farewell Thomas, enjoy the dog turd filled Ramblas or Moss Side. It seems, dear boy, the choice is yours!