A Hulluva lot of shite

Wow. We are lucky and pony! Another last gasper draw against a team that on paper we should be handing their lungs to before we even leave the player’s tunnel.

We as a club are all over the gaff. Our fitness situation is a joke, with so many injuries already this season. The biggest gaff being that of Ozil, playing him when he said he had a niggling complaint, but wanted to play on. Errr. Are you going to listen to a player about their fitness? Fuck’s sake, so he played the remainder of the Chelsea game injured and is now PROPER fuckin’ injured, out until the new year. And it wasn’t our staff that came to that decision either. Ozil was pronounced DOA by the German national team during the international break, which looks a tad shady and shit our end.

We are also the most expensive team in the UK and the majority of the planet to watch, but fans knew that already. The press went mad, but we’ve known our club is a greedy for years. It’s that greed which keeps Wenger in a job too, Champions League qualification is glory and glamour aplenty for our board of directors, it keeps the wedge fully stacked and our club is one that doesn’t like change, the same old same old is what they like in the board room. Consistency above all else, little risk and comfy cushions. They dress the club up as being innovative, fresh, forward thinking, but that is total bollocks. In Wenger’s early years, that is exactly what we were, the most forward thinking club in the top division, but we have rested on those laurels and have been left behind by the other big teams now we have become stale and naieve. Wenger changed Arsenal for the better and brought us victories we could have only dreamed of, but as ruthless as it sounds, he’s done that now, it’s time for the next chapter. Wenger has not added to his revolution, maybe that is down to finance, who knows, but there has just been so many wasted opportunities. This year they are glaring us and him in the face, in fact they were before the start of the season too, yet they still remain on the back burner. A central defender and a defensive midfielder. These are canyon sized holes in our squad. Flamini is not the defensive midfielder we need, he is in fact a liability with the amount of fouls he gives away and his lack of pace. Arteta, is the same, the club skipper is just not up to it, but the biggest hole is in the heart of our defence. If one of our first choice centre backs get crocked, we have no back up and if we are truly honest about our centre backs, the vice skipper is not really up to it either, the BFG is a personal favorite of mine, but is he a Champions League starting centre back? I don’t think so.

So this game was a re-run of last season’s FA cup final. Luckily for us, Hull coudn’t defend a lead again. During the international break, Wilshire played very well for England, and he carried on in that rich vein of form against the Tigers, Sanchez setting him up from a cross only five minutes in, but the cheeky chappie couldn’t keep his header on target. But this encouraging start by him continued and along with Sanchez he had a good game as did Cazorla and Welbeck. We went 1-0 up through Sanchez just before the quarter of an hour mark, but Diame equalised just four minutes later. Hernandez made it 2-1 with a header and it required the late, late show once again. Welbeck scored the equauliser in stoppage time.

A hugely dissapointing result from a team that looked lost and confused. A fan base divided and a board which couldn’t give a fuck as long as we end fourth. All is not rosy at the corporate footy mecca of steel and glass with the huge superstore and the airline’s name with the massively overpriced tickets.


“Go on Chels, Go on Chels”. Oh f**k off…

F**king Chelsea. I hate the club, its players, the place, the people… The strangest thing about Chelsea FC is that if you spent the day in the area known as Chelsea, you would think that CFC is a rugby club. What with all the posh wa**ers dressed as if they are going hunting and ripping about in 4x4s. But most people forget that Chelsea football club is in Fulham, another posh area, but not quite as snooty nosed as Chelsea proper and it’s also home to one of London’s greatest streets, the North End Road. You can get pretty much anything you want or need on the North End Road, as long as it isn’t real.

Chelsea supporters; they are the coked up, badly dressed (still wearing Stone Island and Henri LLoyd when the rest of the casual community has moved on) and loud twats who when in a  pub call their club ‘CHELS’ “Goo on Chels, go on my son”. How a football club can be your son, is anyone’s guess, but a Chelsea fan is likely to call his nan, son. Odder still they will call their fathers son too.

Because they have spent load and loads of money they seem to think winning stuff is their right and the stroll around as if they are the kings of all the football kingdom. They have very short memories, though, and forget that before a criminal invested billions into their club, they supported a great stack of shit.

I got a ticket from one Chelsea fan I can abide, Boon (son), but since the game I haven’t spoken to him and I probably wont until we finally beat them, which may be in about five years.

Mourinho, the weazle, has made it his lot in life to be a bully and a shit to our manager. It’s beyond pathetic, but as much as Wenger pretends that it doesn’t ruffle his feathers, it clearly does and this match that annoyance boiled over to the point where Wenger pushed the little one. It wasn’t exactly Ali versus Foreman, but he got his point across, which from his body language translated as “Why don’t you just f**k off you horrible little c**t”.

Sanchez had been two footed tackled for the second time in as many games, with Chelsea obviously finding the Chilean our only threat.This pissed Wenger off and off he trotted to see if his player was ok, Mourinho confronted him because he walked near/or in his technical area, Wenger pushed the pesky f**er out of the way. As there is a history of niggles between the two, both have been grown up enough to shrug it off, so I suppose the supporters should too. Still, I would have loved Arsene to have stuck Mourinho’s head into a vat of boiling baboon shit, if such a vat had been close by during the altercation.

Boon son, who got me the ticket, did his weird victory jig which he does whenever Chelsea score against Arsenal and I am in the vicinity. He kind of does a truffle shuffle, moving his hands around his boat with his thumbs up, whilst making a noise which is a cross between Blakey off of On the Busses and Roland Rat. They won 2-0. Let’s not talk about it.


Back on the North Bank after my fantastic holiday and hanging out with my chums, wow what a life. Gotta love it, eh? The Turks turned up en masse, as you would expect, with the republic of North London being a hot bed of Turkish goings on and they made a great racket in the clock end, even throwing flares about and onto the pitch, giving it a real European footy night feel, instead of the rather sterile environment vibe that Ashburton Grove can some times give off on mid week matches.

It was a great night of football, if you are a gooner, anyway. Welbeck scoring a hattrick, Sanchez adding to his tally, Ozil playing well, Chambers, again looking solid and Sczesny getting sent off.

The arrogant one with the dreadful haircut was given a red card after bringing down a player in the area and the newbie Ospina was put in goal. Ospina couldn’t save the ensuing penalty, but he did pull off some remarkable acrobatics making some great saves. I’d love to see him nail down the number 1 position and freeze out the pole. Sczesny may have improved in recent seasons, but he is still capable of utter shiteness and some true competition for the onion bag guard has been needed for some time. Fabianksi may have redeemed himself with last seasons cup run, but he will not be missed, but the lad Ospina, looks quality.

Welbeck’s massive smile as he scored his hattrick and stood arms aloft, in front of the North Bank, was just wonderful to witness, it’d be massive to see him press on from here and show United what a grave fu**in’ mistake they have made. He is reading the passes from midfield very well and his pace is frightening. Handy was so happy he ran to the front of the Bank, and tried to share his KP Skips with him.

Sanchez survived a monstrous tackle and the other major news was Gala’s amazing away kit, purple with orangey gold trim, proper monster.

Vegas, Elvis, Love and the C Word.

The wife and I pissed off to the states for our ten year wedding anniversary. An unfortunate time what with our first Champions League encounter versus Dortmund, which we lost 2-0 and looked bollocks to boot. Southampton knocking us out of the league cup, doing Villa 3-0 and with the boy Welbeck netting his first goal as a Gooner and then the North London Derby. The shits took the lead, revelled in it and then Oxlade Chamberlain brought them back to reality, fuckin’ twats that they are, that finished 1-1.

A lot of games missed, but ten years is ten years and the lady is not a football fan. Handy had organised a chance to renew our vows at a Chapel with Elvis wedding us. It was was all going swimmingly, until Handy’s trip kicked in and he started screaming, “You aint Elvis, liar, liar, liar. You aint Elvis, you’re a shit eating c**t.” Handy made his way to the alter pushed me to the floor, pulled his cock out and urinated all over the King’s blue suede shoes.

Back home now after deportation. Handy has apologised to my wife and me by giving us a teddy bear, holding a foil balloon which says sorry on it. Handy is a complete c**t.


My love of the city of Manchester does not come from its two football clubs, that’s for sure. I adore the city and it’s metropolitan area due to the incredible amount of great bands it has produced, that helped soundtrack my life. I still find it hard to loathe the blue team, hating the red team is very easy indeed.

Even with their new money ways, Citeh will not, for now anyway, be in my football room 101. It’s not like I have any mad admiration of any of their past greats (Franny Lee, they still bang on about him, the best thing he ever did was get in that on field fight and punch like a drunken granny at a wedding gone wrong). It’s probably because they are from that great town, and until now, they have been no threat to my beloved Gooners. They were in fact, for so, so many years a great big pile of steaming shit.

So that’s it, it’s my southern patronising ways of patting little Citeh on the back(“Fook off we’re a big fookin’ club we are, we were just a sleeping giant in them years pal”). Not exactly a sleeping giant more like an oversized chap in a coma.

These days, Citeh are indeed a force to be reckoned with, lordy. with all that cash they have bought some fantastic players, and it is sensible to recognise that is what they have done, they haven’t pulled off  miracles by any means to create this fantastic footballing machine, they have done, what used to be referred to as a Blackburn, but is now known as a Chelsea.

I would never put Citeh in the same bracket as C***sea though, it’s the people that support them that stop any chance of that happening. Mancs are amazing, no doubt about it, yes they think that Manchester is the centre of the universe, but wouldn’t you like to be as proud of where you come from as they are. It’s like they have this strange and very rare socialist patriotism that only certain parts of the country have. Unlike a lot of the south, where exclusivity and boasting is the order of the day, in Manchester, apart from the new-flash-as-fuck-rubbish bit, there is still boasting in the air, but it’s not about what you drive, how much cash you have and the like, it’s more about how skint you were as a kid and how that has made you appreciate everything now. A little like the Four Yorkshiremen from Monty Python. I remember sitting in a boozer the first time I went to Manchester to see the band Northside and this group of blokes were basically chatting about three things. Yes, they were talking about music and current affairs, but it always came down to three core points in the end and that was, how skint they were when they were kids, how good their mum’s cooking was (pronounced mam’s, which is just fucking weird) and who they’ve fucked over! I thought that was great, I immediately looked into a University place, luickily I didn’t get in, I would have come home for Christmas and robbed me folks for smack money.

There were moments when I was pretty poor as a kid, but not as poor as I am now, that’s for sure. I’m a reverse Mancunian, it seems. I’m proper skint all the time these days, and I appreciate what I had as a kid! There was one time though, when my Dad wouldn’t buy me Jabba the Hutt, so when I was playing with my Star Wars figures, I used to wait for our overweight and stinky spaniel called Rollo to take a shit, if it was a thick and curly log, I was well in! That’s poor, on so many levels, surely?

Right, the football… Well I didn’t give us much of a chance against the Manc cunts this time round and was kind of hoping that the Commonwealth stadium (or whatever the northern monkeys are calling it this week) was situated on an unknown fault line and all their players, staff and fans would die a horrible death and we would be gifted the result. Look at me, changed my fuckin’ tune now aint I?!

Well we played very well. Wilshire shut up  a lot of critics, me included, our new (Manc) striker almost scored a wonder goal (how many time will that be written this season) and Sanchez scrored a blinder. In fact Sanchez, is already starting to look like a huge signing for us. What is worrying me though is Ozil not only his form but also how his body language is screaming sulky bastard since the arrival of Sanchez. The fan’s appreciation of the Chilean seem to make Ozil act like the ex-boyfriend of  the village bike when a new alcoholic, night shift factory worker moves into the manor and starts porking the spoils.

The game lived up to its billing, a full-on, fight to the death. It was as good a match as I will see this season, I’m sure. Lampard turning out for Citeh was weirder than seeing Welbeck in a nicer shade of red than he is used to wearing. Lampard trotted about, not doing much at all, which was fine by me.

Against the run of play Aguero scored a goal that looked very simple, but was actually very well taken, from a great ball from Navas. What players they are, I’d love them at the Arsenal. Notice I didn’t write the word take in that sentence.

Silva should have scored a second for Citeh, but Wilshire and Ramsey worked the ball well together and Jack lifted the ball past Hart, who maybe should have stayed on his feet for a little longer. Hart is already looking shaky and I wonder how long it will be before he is out the Eastlands door.

Wilshire was involved in the next goal too, he headed the ball over to Sanchez, who in turn volleyed it into the net. Wollop! It ended 2-2, Demichelis, of all donkeys, equalised with a header. Oh well, I can’t moan too much about that, well I can. Flamini, was on the goal line and should have done better. Oh and he was booked, yet again.

He’s signed a f**king striker!

Arsene Wenger showed me, that’s for sure. There he was on a jolly with the Catholic church and refereeing a charity football match in Rome and I thought, charity that’s nice, Arsene, but on transfer deadline day? Are you mental mate?

Turns out that Arsene, like the fairer sex can do more than one thing at any one time. Among all the last day dealings, the lad seems to have pulled one right off, so to speak. Danny Welbeck, is not a player that has scored a lot of goals, which means he will fit right in with our striker philosophy at the Arsenal, but he is undoubtedly a very talented player, who has bags of experience playing at the top level. Man United let him go for under twenty million quid, because for some reason they now only buy second rate galacticos, and fair play to them, some bunch of mugs have to pay 350 grand a week to a injury prone player, old Danny was not in Luis Van Gaal’s thoughts. Good, the delusions of grandeur tosser does not deserve him. 

It will be good to see him play with a decent team who will give him a run of games. I mean if Sanogo can start at Arsenal, Welbeck is a shoe in and no mistake. What if, Danny is the answer? That would be right tasty. Like a McDonald’s Big Tasty, which when you bite into, miraculously doesn’t taste like you are giving a sewage pipe a blow job.

“Sign a Fu**ing Striker”.

Leicester City, the mighty foxes… 

Although we had the majority of the game, as in, in the meaningless way, by percentages of possession, we never looked like we would or could win this match.

Arsenal started with Yaya Sanogo up front, again. I don’t know why and neither does any other Arsenal supporter. It’s quite obvious to the masses that Sanogo is not a great  striker, he is in fact, at the moment anyway, a donkey. His first touch is poor, control in general is a calamity and his shots, when on target are always aimed at the keeper’s torso. It beggars belief that Wenger still picks him and doesn’t go into the transfer market for another forward. With Giroud out until the new year, we have never needed another a goalscorer like we have now. Wenger’s joke of an attitude to spending money is beginning to get on everyone’s tits. I understand the whole wankstained philosophy that he spends the club’s money like he spends his own, but isn’t he just stupid to work like that? Like it or lump it, this is the business end of the most corporate and globalised sport on earth. To win, unfortunately you need to buy top players. So for f**k’s sake buy a striker! 

I am still massively infuriated by seeing Mandzukic at Atletico Madrid and now Falcao has just signed on a season long loan from Monaco to Man United, another laugh at our expense! Rooney, Van Persie and Falcao up front for a team that didn’t qualify for the Champions League. If we ever had a chance to get one over such an obvious rival, it was when they were in the doldrums, but what do we do, sit back and let them take one of the best finishers in the world because, after all, we have Sanogo, who has still not scored a goal for Arsenal club in a competitive match.

Remy, we sat back after making the same bid as Chelsea, what the f**k nuts do Arsenal reps expect? Oh he signed for Chelsea, for more wages? Really? Well f**k me sideways.

Cavani at PSG. I would throw the entire shit reserve team plus the useless as all f**k forwards of the first team, yellow card collector Flamini, Thomas (watch me screw up another Arsenal break by holding onto the ball too long) Rosicky plus 40 million to land him. We have nobody capable of what he can do. Giroud when fit is half the striker Cavani is. He is supposedly unhappy at PSG, please Wenger do something.

Central midfielder needed… What happened this week to a midfielder who Wenger has tried to sign previously and who the manager clearly admired? He moved on a free from Real Madrid to Bayern Munich, Arsenal didn’t even try to get Xabi Alonso. 

Wenger bemoaons the fact that signing players doesn’t win trophies. That, Arsene, is exactly what it does. It is unfortunate that football has become the monster that ate itself, but the fact of the matter is, it has, so what do we fans do, give up supporting our beloved club and just politely applaud when we don’t make a decent signing in three areas where we a desperate, central defence, centre mid and striker, but are told that club is in rude health financially and your season ticket is one of the most expensive in the world. F**k off!

The FA cup win was wonderful but it has helped paper over cracks that the game against Leicester just exposed again; toothless failings in front of goal. The only reason Sanchez scored the first goal of the match was because Sanogo was all over the shop and didn’t know what to do with the ball and kind of accidentally hooked it into the path of Sanchez.

I hate being a Wenger basher, what with everything he has done for the club, but compared to the innovative breath of fresh air that Mr Wenger was when he arrived at Arsenal, he is a mere shadow of that man. Alex Ferguson was set back by Wenger when the the man from Alsace arrived, but in time, the Scotsman worked him out. That’s what great managers do, they continue to learn and adapt, Wenger still seems to believe in his initial philosophy, when the game has moved on leaps and bounds without him.

A suggestion could be, that if the club doesn’t like spunking huge sums of cash on players, maybe we should start investing more in the youth academy? Having top of the range gym equipment and the best facilities in the land does not mean your kids are any better at football than they are at other clubs. Maybe we could take a long hard look at clubs like Southampton and figure out how year after year they nurture and grow such talented footballers,but then again, why do we need to learn to do that? They can do all the hard work and we’ll just nick them.

Sanchez the saviour.

After the complaint that Alexis Sanchez is a winger or an inside forward aiker, the Chilean international played an absolute stormer against Besiktas, in the second leg of the Champions League qualifier.

As what has become the norm this season we scored in added time. 46 minutes, Wilshire attacking the box, Flamini getting involved with a header, Wilshire again, then Sanchez firing in from just inside the area. Priceless? Well no, abot 30 million quids worth and Sanchez has  helped secure Champions League group football for Arsenal, for the 17th consecutive year.

The game, just like the first leg could have easily gone either way. Besiktas looked to have been unlucky on two penalty shouts. Their manager, Slaven Bilic, in the stands due to suspension from the touch line, looked like he was about to explode at the injustice of it all, and when you think of what is at stake, it’s not really a surprise.

Debauchy got a second yellow card 15 minutes from time and in doing so awarded Arsenal their second red card of the tie, with Rambo being sent off last week. Not only that, the French international came back onto the pitch after the final whistle to remonstrate with the referee. How UEFA will deal with that one is anyone’s guess.

Besiktas fans will feel very hard done by, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they lost and it is our club’s name in in the pot for the next part of the adventure and quest for the ellusive European Cup, but after watching that game, if I was a supporter of Besiktas,  I would probably think some conspiracy  had kept us out of the group stages.

Anyway our Champions League group looks very daunting. Luckily there are no gigantic Iberian bastards who manage to dodge transfer embargoes and the like, but we still have to face the Yellow Wall of Dortmund again, plus Galarasaray and what one would think, the group whipping boys, Anderlecht.


Lucky Arsenal, sort of.

Everton away, always a tough one. It’s even tougher since the future Arsenal manager, Roberto Martinez, took the reins of the blue half of Scouseland. Come the end of the season, the Toffees will be there or thereabouts in the hunt for Champions League qualification, most probably, right next to us.

I must admit at the relief I felt when I saw the team line up, playing Sanchez up front, looked like a brave move from our manager. But as it turns out it was a massive boat of shit of an idea. Wenger decided to play Sanchez as a false no. 9. At least I hope I did, because if he didn’t then Sanchez is f**kin’ toilet. The lil’ lad buzzed around trying to bring the midfield into the game throughout the first half, but it didn’t work out for him or us, in fact it was an unmitigated disaster. Everton were 2-0 ahead at the break and they utterly deserved their lead. Ozil had been woeful, the defence, without the injured Koscielny, looked all at sea. 

When Giroud was introduced, I kind of laughed. A kind of laugh which isn’t really like a laugh at all, more of a scoff, if that word can still be used in the 21st century, without receiving a beating from a gang of little c**ts in shiny tracksuits outside a provincial shopping mall.

Giroud, is not the answer to our striker question, but right now he’s the best we’ve got, by a mile. Sanogo is crocked, oh and on top of that, he hasn’t scored a goal in a competitive football match for us since he joined the club and to me Sanchez just isn’t a striker at all – he’s a winger or an inside forward and that’s fine, but where are the goals going to come from?

Ramsey our wonderful leader in all but armband, snatched one back making the score 2-1.

Bringing us level; – It wasn’t the magic of Ozil or the determination and skill of Wilshire or any other player, but the chirpy little geezer Cazorla. My lad’s favourite player, and why not? The number 19 has had a couple of blinding seasons for us, and against Everton, it was his tenacity around the box, like a bluebottle hanging around a huge dog shit, that made the goal. Giroud scored the header, sandwiched between two Everton defenders, who kind of jumped in unison, but were also asleep in unison too. 2-2 in the last minute. Lucky as all f**k. 

Giroud then got crocked, and for once instead of hoping he was ok, I jumped out of Handy Dave’s oily lazy boy (must be his porn chair), screaming, “Now buy a striker you prick”. I wanted him injured, not to teach our management team a lesson, but to inject some enthusiasm into the final week of the transfer window.

We have to buy a striker now!

Giroud is rumoured to be out for three months. Get back in there for Remy, I reckon.  He’s experienced in the Premier League and decent. Loic Remy is better than Giroud and they could share the goal scoring responsibilities once the silly haired bloke is back from injury. Everyone else who is being touted around as a potential recruit is way out of our financial league and I wont waste your time on the LIES! 

Handy was pleased with the Everton result. He keeps banging on that we have the killer instinct that we have lacked in the last few seasons. He must be pissed again, because in our cup run, last year, we showed that we were quite capable of playing shit football and grinding out results…. The average Arsenal fan, I have learnt is a professional bullshitter (to themselves), but it is also important to add that the average Arsenal fan is as close to superhuman as a football fan can get. If Mark E Smith was an Arsenal fan he would say “Who ah to be ah Gooner ah” . 



A Champions League qualifier is normally a tight as arseholes affair as their is so much at stake. Besiktas made it known last night they didn’t fancy playing in the same European competition as Spurs either and if their striker was on target would have had a decent lead to take into the second leg next week.
Demba Ba, who, if we are honest, should be in his second season with us, showed cunning and guile, but also showed why he was allowed to leave Chelsea. He brings an awful lot to a team, but unfortunately he doesn’t bring loads of goals, which is his job.
We have a similar vibe going on up front for our club. Giroud did wonders last year, considering the huge burden he had to carry as our only fit, out and out goslscorer. But we knackered him out, and we needed a new striker last season and we still need one. Unless Alexis Sanchez is going to be played down the middle, but he isn’t a striker either.
Seeing Mario Mandzukic in an Athletic Madrid shirt gives me the right hump. Proven goal scorer, European competition experience, scores loads of goals… No, not right for Arsene.
Oh well, we will wait and see, it’s far too early for me to throw a shit storm of a mood about about how the Frenchman doesn’t know what he’s doing.
Wilshire looked above average, which compared to watching him in other games in recent times is a marked imorovement. I so want Jack to play out of his skin and have a wonderful season, but what if, we have already seen the best of him? That may sound a little over the top, but in England we are very effective at using our young players far too much and far too early burning out their future potential. Look at the amount of talented youngsters that have turned into great pros, but not players that in thirty years time we would talk about down the boozer. Joe Cole is the big one for me. Cole was a huge talent, England thought so too, so they included him in every game if he was fit, but they player him out of position again and again, and the nation wondered why Joe wasn’t fulfilling his potential. Even Rooney seems to have hit his peak, dare I say Walcott too? Although Theo has looked more and more of a matchwinner in recent times. Thank God Ross Barkley stayed at Everton, when fit

he will play in his correct position, but he’s another one I can see the national team fucking up.

Listening to the wireless last night, a journo talked about Chambers being an England centre back to partner Cahill against Norway. Hold you hard boy, slow you down. What the f**k, are you insane? The kid is obviously a talent, but the reason he is playing is because Per is not back from World Cup winners rest, which should be the official line from the Arsenal because it sounds amazing.
Alexis made a nice run into the box, Ramsey got sent off late on for a second bookable offence, which looked very harsh, Giroud continued to look off form and Chamberlain came on and hit the post.
It wasn’t bollocks, but it wasn’t Jo Guest’s arse in her prime either.